MY SOILED INNOCENCE...

I notice Her as She walks in, She's beautiful, She's smart, She's confident...

She's all I ever dream of being, She's what I have always envisioned myself as...

Sadly, She's what I'll never become.

I am 7 years old, I should still be a child; yet I have matured in ways you would never imagine.

She takes a seat beside me and I can't help but to reach out to her;

I begin to raise my hand when She turns to look at me...

Her smile turns cold when She sees me...

I have encountered this reaction many times before...

I should be used to it by now;

They smile naturally when they see a child but gradually, the smile turns cold in accordance to what they are feeling...

Then they look at me more closely and They begin to see how old I really am.

Sometimes, its amusing to watch you know;

Sometimes, it gives me a little joy to know that I can guess what they are thinking; the phases their thought processes pass through.

It starts with a genuine smile, then turns to shock, sometimes revulsion, then anger and eventually...

pity.

I stop my arm mid way and bow my head, my eyes fill up with tears unshed...

I can see myself through Her eyes.

I know She's reading me like a book;

She's not fooled by my pretty pink dress that mummy bought for me...

Neither is she believing the story of how I got to the hospital with a broken arm.

She gently strokes my head, my hair has been shaved off...

Revealing old scars and new ones going through the process of healing.

I look up at her and She smiles at me.

I smile back, taking comfort in the fact that I have qualified for her attention even in my very pitiable state.

I am 7 years old,

I'm in the hospital with a broken arm...

Daddy says that if I am asked, I should tell them I fell from the stairs...

That if I say otherwise, I will be taken away to a house filled with strangers.

So I cannot say how I was beaten and dragged all the way down the stairs for staining Daddy's suit.

Yes, I fell down the stairs; but it wasn't accidental;

The force of Daddy's palm across my face sent me tumbling down...

My mystery lady keeps on scrutinizing me...

At this point, I know that She can see the bruises around my neck and arms...

Much more apparent are the bruises on my face...

And the tell tale healing wounds at the back of my shaved head.

I am 7 years old...

Yet I have seen what most people haven't seen...

I am 7 years old...

Yet my thoughts are those of a 30 year old...

I am 7 years old...

Yet I have seen and experienced adulthood...

I am 7 years old..

A child... yet an adult...

I am 7 years old...

And I have been raped.



MY FATE...

Once again, I have found myself in the midst of something I promised myself was never gonna happen again.

I have found myself in familiar settings and the nostalgia begins to set in.

I believe that whatever happens today will mark the end of my sanctity, as I know it.

A proposal was made to me today; one that has got me thinking far beyond what my mind can comprehend.

I have been made a proposal such that I know what I should do but at the same time; I wanna delve into what the contents of the proposal holds for me.

Morality tells me that I shouldn't even waste my time pondering on what I should tell them;

Tells me that I should look them dead in the eye and say " NO"

That I should feel very insulted and get on my high horse, with whatever is left of my dignity and leave;

While the other part of me, the free willed part of me; the adventurous side tells me that this is something I have always fantasized about.

I have been given an opportunity to make my dreams come true;

I have been invited to the carnal recesses of reality that excites me beyond comprehension.

I shudder to think that I am even taking time to contemplate it.

What does that make me? I believe there is a name for people like me?

People who get excited at the wrongest things. Things that shake the very foundations of morality.

Once again, I am left a willing captive;

Watching the unending battle of wills between good and evil;

Without a mind of my own;

My fate is sealed; I will obey whoever comes out of this fight, a victor.

May the best man win...

...FROM DEEP WITHIN

So today I opened my page on one of the many social networks online and I saw something that struck me so deep, I was moved to write...

Now, I do not know why it hurts me so much or why I am affected like this;

After all, I have moved on and that phase of my life is over and done with.

Could it be that a part of me never really believed that it was over?

Or for the simple fact that I wanted Him to be as hurt as I was?

Maybe I think Karma hasn't done a very good job of giving Him a dose of what He gave me;

I used to think karma was the "Lady Vengeance"; 

Ready to mete out the exact fate on those who have have caused great pain to others...

Whatever it is, Karma hasn't done right by me; cos if She did, I wouldn't be here feeling this way...

What do you do to someone who has literally ripped your heart right out of your chest?

Someone who has managed to create this void that is impossible for anyone else to fill?

How do you even begin to address the mere fact that you really haven't let go of the memories you built?

 Something has been opened within;

A deep wound that I had covered for so long; its a huge gash and it has started to bleed profusely...

I should be happy that in my pain, someone has found happiness...

I should be...

But I am not.

Enough with the rash decisions, I have got to face the fact that regardless of the wall and gates I have erected;

They weren't successful in keeping out the one who I feared the most...

My head is pounding, My heart is beating fast, I try to smile within my building trepidation...

Power has been transferred into the hands of someone who thrives on vulnerability;

Power has been given to someone who feeds on weaknesses...

So once again, I turn to the Fates and the cold embrace of Time's healing hands...

Waiting for them to work their magic; hoping on them to take away what has been done...

This is their area of expertise... 

The taking away of cancerous growths...