MY SOILED INNOCENCE...

I notice Her as She walks in, She's beautiful, She's smart, She's confident...

She's all I ever dream of being, She's what I have always envisioned myself as...

Sadly, She's what I'll never become.

I am 7 years old, I should still be a child; yet I have matured in ways you would never imagine.

She takes a seat beside me and I can't help but to reach out to her;

I begin to raise my hand when She turns to look at me...

Her smile turns cold when She sees me...

I have encountered this reaction many times before...

I should be used to it by now;

They smile naturally when they see a child but gradually, the smile turns cold in accordance to what they are feeling...

Then they look at me more closely and They begin to see how old I really am.

Sometimes, its amusing to watch you know;

Sometimes, it gives me a little joy to know that I can guess what they are thinking; the phases their thought processes pass through.

It starts with a genuine smile, then turns to shock, sometimes revulsion, then anger and eventually...

pity.

I stop my arm mid way and bow my head, my eyes fill up with tears unshed...

I can see myself through Her eyes.

I know She's reading me like a book;

She's not fooled by my pretty pink dress that mummy bought for me...

Neither is she believing the story of how I got to the hospital with a broken arm.

She gently strokes my head, my hair has been shaved off...

Revealing old scars and new ones going through the process of healing.

I look up at her and She smiles at me.

I smile back, taking comfort in the fact that I have qualified for her attention even in my very pitiable state.

I am 7 years old,

I'm in the hospital with a broken arm...

Daddy says that if I am asked, I should tell them I fell from the stairs...

That if I say otherwise, I will be taken away to a house filled with strangers.

So I cannot say how I was beaten and dragged all the way down the stairs for staining Daddy's suit.

Yes, I fell down the stairs; but it wasn't accidental;

The force of Daddy's palm across my face sent me tumbling down...

My mystery lady keeps on scrutinizing me...

At this point, I know that She can see the bruises around my neck and arms...

Much more apparent are the bruises on my face...

And the tell tale healing wounds at the back of my shaved head.

I am 7 years old...

Yet I have seen what most people haven't seen...

I am 7 years old...

Yet my thoughts are those of a 30 year old...

I am 7 years old...

Yet I have seen and experienced adulthood...

I am 7 years old..

A child... yet an adult...

I am 7 years old...

And I have been raped.



MY FATE...

Once again, I have found myself in the midst of something I promised myself was never gonna happen again.

I have found myself in familiar settings and the nostalgia begins to set in.

I believe that whatever happens today will mark the end of my sanctity, as I know it.

A proposal was made to me today; one that has got me thinking far beyond what my mind can comprehend.

I have been made a proposal such that I know what I should do but at the same time; I wanna delve into what the contents of the proposal holds for me.

Morality tells me that I shouldn't even waste my time pondering on what I should tell them;

Tells me that I should look them dead in the eye and say " NO"

That I should feel very insulted and get on my high horse, with whatever is left of my dignity and leave;

While the other part of me, the free willed part of me; the adventurous side tells me that this is something I have always fantasized about.

I have been given an opportunity to make my dreams come true;

I have been invited to the carnal recesses of reality that excites me beyond comprehension.

I shudder to think that I am even taking time to contemplate it.

What does that make me? I believe there is a name for people like me?

People who get excited at the wrongest things. Things that shake the very foundations of morality.

Once again, I am left a willing captive;

Watching the unending battle of wills between good and evil;

Without a mind of my own;

My fate is sealed; I will obey whoever comes out of this fight, a victor.

May the best man win...

...FROM DEEP WITHIN

So today I opened my page on one of the many social networks online and I saw something that struck me so deep, I was moved to write...

Now, I do not know why it hurts me so much or why I am affected like this;

After all, I have moved on and that phase of my life is over and done with.

Could it be that a part of me never really believed that it was over?

Or for the simple fact that I wanted Him to be as hurt as I was?

Maybe I think Karma hasn't done a very good job of giving Him a dose of what He gave me;

I used to think karma was the "Lady Vengeance"; 

Ready to mete out the exact fate on those who have have caused great pain to others...

Whatever it is, Karma hasn't done right by me; cos if She did, I wouldn't be here feeling this way...

What do you do to someone who has literally ripped your heart right out of your chest?

Someone who has managed to create this void that is impossible for anyone else to fill?

How do you even begin to address the mere fact that you really haven't let go of the memories you built?

 Something has been opened within;

A deep wound that I had covered for so long; its a huge gash and it has started to bleed profusely...

I should be happy that in my pain, someone has found happiness...

I should be...

But I am not.

Enough with the rash decisions, I have got to face the fact that regardless of the wall and gates I have erected;

They weren't successful in keeping out the one who I feared the most...

My head is pounding, My heart is beating fast, I try to smile within my building trepidation...

Power has been transferred into the hands of someone who thrives on vulnerability;

Power has been given to someone who feeds on weaknesses...

So once again, I turn to the Fates and the cold embrace of Time's healing hands...

Waiting for them to work their magic; hoping on them to take away what has been done...

This is their area of expertise... 

The taking away of cancerous growths...

borderline...

Picking up my pen, I stare at the paper in front of me;

The paper, like every other thing around me, is blank;

A white mass of blur stays stationery in front of me;

The therapist told me that I should always put my feelings on paper;

So I carry a pen and paper around everywhere I go.

Does it help? At first;

It seemed almost therapeutic to see the things bottled up inside come alive;

But after a week, I gathered up my different pieces and had read them to her;

Session after session...

Until she told me that what I had was a deeply rooted abyss that nothing could fill...

What the hell did that mean?

Everyone has an abyss, I reasoned, everyone had that space that needed to be filled...

Bottom line, she refused to see me again.

So I left, but I kept up that little piece of activity...

It felt kinda good, I needed a release and writing did it for me.

But there are times I dread, times such as this,

Times that not even writing satisfies me;

Times where I feel myself crawling into that unconfortable, brooding space;

Times when the feeling of helplesness drowns me.

I am not one to feel sorry for myself and lament woefully about how things are not working..

Neither am I one to sit and cry and wait for people to help me..

It is what it is...

This thing... I cannot help it;

I cannot fathom it and so I cannot cure it.

This is one of those times;

And once again, my pen and paper fail me...

Music fades quietly, I can't hear the noises of activity

Slowly, the faces of the people I know no longer seems familiar

At times like this, I wish my therapist never quit on me,

It felt good to see that horrid brown couch,

And talk to someone whose as dead as a stone.

But the fun fare is over, its time to settle comfortably to this other phase thats threatening to overcome.

Maybe if I embrace and welcome it, it may decide to leave earlier than usual...

but till then;

Its just me, my pen and my trusty old white piece of paper.

ECSTASY

And so it takes me;

Wave over wave over wave of emotion;

No matter how hard I try, I cannot stop the extreme bubbles of passion rising up within me;

So I just let myself go; enjoying the moment;

Till it passes.

How did it happen? Can iI even remember?

Closing my eyes, I recall how it all started.

Oh! the currents had been buzzing; We had both known what was coming but We chose to ignore;

And then out of the blue, a phone call was made;

Plans were cancelled and newer plans were initiated;

Everything we both did was simply for this moment...

Red wine and Massage oils;

Chatting by Scented Candles and Dinner;

Everything added up...

Food eaten up; Wine drunk with the bottle empty;

Soft music in the background and idle chatter on the couch...

Comfort sets in; and at the same time; abandon sets in...

Sparks are ignited by little, random touchings...

What happened next? I ask...

Oh yes! I stood up to demonstrate something and it all escalated from there...

Two people... A volcano of emotions...

Erupted passions...

To create the most intense feeling ever...

Breathing much more regular now, I turn and settle deeper into an embrace...

Oh! the average human is selfish..

And I'm no different...

In a situatuon where more is offered...

More will be accepted.

And thats the last thing on my mind as another electric wave of passion seizes me...

M.O.R.E...

BEHIND THE VEIL (3)

Watching and waiting, minding neither sleep nor slumber,

The mysterious woman keeps guard at Her post by the window.

Dressed in her black regalia, She ponders,

She's been kept in this room for weeks now;

Initially refusing to eat unitl the hefty and scary man forces Her to.

Now that man fills Her with dread, He looks upon Her with pure, unadulterated hatred.

Once He comes in, the atmosphere is filled with the vilest essence one can imagine...

Now, they have a way of making Her do things,

The moment She begins to prove difficult, They send her remedy.

So now, She's alone... as always,

It has been days since She saw the vision...

Her Scarlet Veil has deserted Her.

She softly sobs into the sleeve of Her gown.

Never has reaching out eluded Her; She has always found solace in the fact that Hers was a higher calling..

But today, She doesn't sense that feeling of belonging that usually envelops Her;

Today, She is alone; today, She is rudely aware of Her surroundings;

he sinks to the ground, tucking Her feet under Her, She supports Her back on the wall;

She blames Herself, She has been tested and tried and has been found wanting;

And because of that, She will receive her Scourge;

Her punishment; Her penance...

She will receive it, whatever it maybe;

And then, when restitution has been paid fully;

She can receive instruction.

Armed with this thought, She smiles through Her tears.

THE ILLUSIONIST...

...Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I shall fear no evil...

One of the verses of the Good Book right?

However, I do not know if I am to take it quite literally though...

Here I am, standing in front of a man, who is cloaked in a long, black gown....

He has a hood, He has his back turned to me...

I look around me and I smile to myself...

It is either of two things...

The first being that I have become as mad as a hatter...

Or the second being that my love for the stranger things in life has finally engulfed me...

Sadly, enough, this is not a dream...

I repeat...

THIS. IS. NOT. A. DREAM...

I am here, lying in my bed, my surroundings are the usual things that help make up the haven called my room.

To my right, I see the light from my bathroom shining through...

To my left, I see my closet, my clothes hanging neatly...

Everything looks normal except for the cloaked person sitting in front of my bed...

I have pinched myself, hidden myself under my sheets, said all the prayers I know and even wished the figure away...

That is the only indication I have that something is not right.

So I brace myself, sit up and ask quietly,

"Who are you?"

The figure turns to me and I can see, or rather, I think I can make out some certain features that form a face,

In actual fact, there is no face, or there is but you cannot call it one...

There is a structure, even some flesh but there is a certain "fluidity" to this person's "face"...

Like ripples in a puddle of water, unclear, surreal...

He speaks, a voice like that of smouldering fire,

A hissing sound, having something of an echo...

Indescribable, yet chilling...

" I Am"...

Conflicting emotions well up inside me,

Fear, terror and morbid curiousity...

" You are?"...

" I Am"...

" What?"

He turns his head and stares intently at me...

To make a semblance of reality, I have chosen to give this figure a human form...

In the structure of a face are two shimmering spaces, those are now fixed on me...

I am being drawn into them, hypnotised beyond my will power...

Still I ask again,

" Who or what are you?"

" I am whatever you want me to be..."

**********************************************************************************

Hey guys, so sorry its been a really long while since I last updated this blog, not going to go into details of what has been going on.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy this, obviously its going to be in parts, read and comment..

Love,

MARIE

SILKY... SMOOTH... SEX

There He is, sitting on a stool, alone by the bar.

He seems friendly, He seems deep, He seems dark, He seems... dangerous.

Once again, I ask myself why people like this seem to attract me.

Really, the last ten dudes have all been the same

Single, not single, not in the mood for strings and hangers on.

They are drifters, restless souls really that cannot bear to be tied down by petty emotions.

Looking for people like me actually.

But I have to take myself to rehab...

I have to  rid myself of this penchant for Those Ones.

You know Those Ones?

The ones that turn you on with one smooth, smouldering look;

Those ones who make you weak just by speaking to you.

Figment of my imagination?

I'll disregard that as nonsense coming from an ignorant mind.

So here I am, sipping my drink and pondering how to address the issue.

Should I be the gentle, flirty chic who disguises her feelings?

Or should I go ahead and be the shameless whore?

A girl with all her boobs spilling out in front of her dress walks up to him and tries to get his attention.

He barely glances at her, probably writing her off as clingy.

He looks at me, smiles secretively.

As if we just shared a naughty secret.

All the while my mind keeps on questioning:

Chic or Whore? Chic or Whore? Chic or Whore?

I stare back, with an eyebrow raised; He raises his glass, makes a silent toast and walks straight to my table.

At that instant, my mind is made up.

WHORE IT IS!!!

He plants himself beside me,

A few words are exchanged; we are both masters of the art

Both not saying much but reading massive signals off the body language meter.

A brush of our legs releases a massive wave of heat.

I smile knowingly, I'm doing it on purpose,

So is he;

We are both playing the game really well.

We order a round of drinks;

Without talking, we both know that its the last drink of the night for both of us.

The only question He asks is :

" Your place? "

I just smile and get up, head out of the door.

The fact that we both have our individual cars further tells us that we are the perfect choice.

Like I said No Strings, No Pressure, I don't know him, He doesn't know me;

I am looking for one thing and one thing only:

Silky... Smooth....Sex.

And amazingly, So is He.

At this point, I would let your imagination wander to how the  night went.

I can only tell you that I got much more than what I had bargained for.

The next morning, no awkward smiles, no uncomfortable silences, no expectations;

We both gave our best and perspired till...

The...Very...Last...Drop.

He's out the door and I'm back to being the me that everybody knows...

Am I like this everyday? No...

Its only when the mood descends...

Would I do it again?

Hell yes, I will...

* wink *

A CURIOUS TALE OF A, B, C AND SHE...

MEET " A "

Young, handsome, real with an edge of naughtiness.

He encapsulates the very core of friendship, He is loyal, friendly and sure of himself.

She meets him through a mutual friend. She has heard so much about Him and He has heard a lot about Her.

They meet on a sunny afternoon, the mutual friend comes to pick her up and " A" is in the backseat of the car.

She is loud and free spirited; He is quiet and deep; She is straight forward and in your face; He is thoughtful and probing.

She is very witty, He is wittiness personified.

Aha! common ground at last. She thinks He is a bore, He thinks She is spineless.

And as with nature and her ways, they begin to accept their individuality.

they become friends, they become really good friends...

until...

ENTER " B "

Cool, confident, built and very handsome.

He is quiet, yet funny; He is sweet in a very weird way.

They meet at a party, He is loud, She is popular;

He prefers to be patient and bid his time, She is bold and direct.

He talks to her and She replies him with a lovely comeback.

Aha! common ground at last. They both have tongues like razors.

He makes her laugh; She makes him wonder...

And as with nature and her ways, they start something.

Alas, their tongues are not the only thing they have in common,

They also have a mutual friend.. " A".

"  A " has both their backs and he becomes their therapist, hearing from both sides...

As with humans and their yearnings, She derails from an earlier arrangement and begins to crave for something more,

He cannot deliver and B O O M!!!

Two boisterous ego's clash and the sweet haze boomerangs...

They try to patch up and glue the shards of their life together...

until...

HELLO " C "

" C " can only be descibed as the forbidden fruit that tastes sweeter... He is her guilty pleasure...

He is the very core of masculinity and oozes sex appeal.

He saunters up to her and doesn't need to say much. She is hooked.

He teases her senses and preys on her with the patience of a jungle cat...

They meet...

She finds him charming; He finds her interesting;

She flirts with him, He turns on the charm...

She smiles, He smiles..

Aha! common ground at last. They both have killer smiles.

He pushes himself to the extreme, She is there to soothe his aching muscles...

They like each other; They complement each other and Oh Yes, they lie to each other...

And as with nature and her ways, an intricate web is spun....

THE COMMON FACTOR " SHE "

She is beautiful, amazingly witty with a smile that can brighten up a room;

She is a confused mixture of pleasantness and sassiness;

She presents a blend of sexuality, sensuality and innocence.

She flirts, She smiles, She teases but She is fiercely loyal.

She is the life of the party, but her inner sanctum, She preserves for the few that manage to get there.

She juxtaposes between reality and salient dreams.

However, She has been branded with the Scarlet Letter...

" A " for Ashawo ( Adulteress).

It is emblazoned in bold letters across her chest.

A review of her crime please:

She is accused of stringing along three friends.

She has been tried and She has been found guilty of breaking an alliance that was forged between three men.

Does it matter that She met them in mutually exclusive circumstances?

Take " A "; how was She to know that deep down, He harboured feelings for her?

and what do you think that " B " would do when He finds out that his ' brother' was waiting for the opportunity to 'sample' his goods?

Oh Wait! the Good Book says to be your brothers keeper abi?

and why should " B " feel betrayed by her when even He knows that what they had was dead, gone and buried? with no hope of life eternal?

Afterall, She asked for what She wanted and He wasn't able to provide...

And where does " C " come in?

Fine, He knows both " A " and " B ".

Granted, He knew what She had with " B ".

But if there is a slight glimmer of hope, if maybe, just maybe,

They both like themselves, should He, for the sake of everything,

throw away His chance at happiness?

It is indeed a tangled web...

What Would You Do?

BEHIND THE VEIL (2)

Behind closed doors, voices are heard; a discussion about what should be done about this mysterious woman.

She can hear them; She hears every word that is spoken and She laughs.

They are asking for her name, where She came from, who She is, does she have any family?

'you will never know', She thinks to herself. She has decided not to tell.

She waits in silence for the Scarlet Veil to tell her what to do.

She finds it somewhat amusing that She is the only one that can see the Scarlet Veil.

They probably think She is crazy, a nutcase...

On the contrary, She thinks She is special. She is the One; the opportuned female chosen to carry out the salvation of the world.
So what if the very people she's out to save think otherwise?
She had been warned that things like this could happen and She is handling it really well.
So there She is, standing by her window, the room around her is pitch black...
Amidst all these blackness, She finds solace, She finds peace.
She is not bothered, She knows what She is waiting for; She knows why She has been sent.
And as long as She knows, She will wait...
Till her apparition appears again unto her...

BEHIND THE VEIL

She sits, as still as the night.

She is dressed  in black. A knee length black gown, with white pearls adorning her neckline, the skin around her neck almost as pale as the pearls she wears.

She sits,

a candle flickers right by her side, gently casting soft shadows across the wall.

She is very quiet, her mind is somewhere across the Atlantic.

She doesn't say a word, She is beautiful, with tastefully carved features, like a porcelain doll, set in a glass casing.

The candle light flickers and a glimpse of her face is seen; She has wet tears streaming down her face and yet, She doesn't sniff or make any move to wipe them away.

Behind her, movement is heard. A door opens and a figure steps in, She does not turn or even start when her name is called; softly at first, then it crescendos vehemently.

Cursing, the figure steps back out and the lady allows herself a small, defiant smile...

The last three people that have been sent to her have left, frustrated and much more baffled than when they came in.

Then She moves... A dignified movement full of grace and comportment... this is a lady with class.

The door opens again and this time, a lady walks in and they embrace tightly. And for the first time, the lady in black speaks... In soft waves, her voice is barely audible  at first, then it becomes stronger...

" The veil", she mutters.. " There's something behind the veil".

Confused, her companion looks round the room, " which veil, my dear?".

" the scarlet veil that's behind you" comes the husky reply.

The lady in the black dress gently pushes her hand forward, pointing into nothingness, describing abstraction. She lingers in tht position for quite some time before raising trembling hands to her lips and moves back to her position in front of the window.

Once again, She becomes as still as the night but this time, She keeps muttering to herself.

" Something behind the scarlet veil...". Resigned, her companion leaves her to the comfort of her thoughts...

closing her eyes, the lady takes in a deep breath and a strange smile bends the corners of her lips...

A MORNING INSPIRATION.

Yaaaaaawwwwnnnnnn. I toss and turn to the other side; my eyes are still closed yet my brain is trying to function.

I hear the sounds of generators being turned on in the distance, a bell is being rung yonder calling people to Church;

 A mega phone speaks loudly to the darkness, some Arabic lyrics which mean the Mosque is ready and running.

Somewhere in the darkness, you can make out the rumblings of car engines being warmed up.

This is a typical 5 am in my part of the world, a typical morning somewhere in Surulere, Lagos, Nigeria.

In my own house, the shuffling of feet signify my sisters are up already, the light switch pops and the darkness is flooded with brightness.

Still, I bury my head under the pillow, knowing that I'm fully awake yet refusing to ackowledge the fact.

So my morning starts, I hear neighbours in the horizons beating crying children who have refused to take their baths, I hear young bachelors nodding their heads to their favorite Tupac number,

I hear the women raising their voices in morning fellowship, and I hear members of the taxi park across taking numbers for the days job.

The world is moving and I'm still here, on my bed

Trying to figure out the reason why I have got to be awake.

Somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind, a voice reminds me;

I am still on my bed because, when I am ready, someone is going to turn on the generator for me...

I am still on my bed because when I am ready, there's water running from the tap...

I am still on my bed because I do not have to wake up and rush to the well to fetch water...

I am still on my bed because I have an empty bathroom waiting for me...

I am still on my bed because I do not have to wait till my neighbour finishes her bath to use the bathroom...

I am still on my bed because when I eventually do get up and do all these things, there is a car waiting to take me to work.

So when I wake up every 5 am to the same old routine, the same thought creeps into my mind.

I am not spoilt, I am blessed and I am fortunate.

I am privileged enough to know that I most probably did not deserve these luxuries,

I was considered worthy enough to be given.

So every 5 am when the world wakes up to do their business, I go about doing mine;

Which is taking time to appreciate the ONE who has made all this possible.

Just the simple fact that HE has decided to honour me by waking me up daily to enjoy the gifts HE has given;

Is inspiration enough for me.

BE THANKFUL!!!

MY LIFE, MY PAIN, MY GLORY...

I wake, I feed, I bleed I am human...

I have been given this thing called LIFE...

Did I ask for it? No...

Did I know who decided to place it on me? No...

Do I even know how I got  it? No...

Do I have a say in what goes on in it? Yes...

So I have been given life; its confusing, its frustrating, and its chaotic...

But its mine...

Yes, I have been given life; by extension, I have been given a chance to play God...

I have been given this... intangible thing...I have been given this power... I have been given this life...

Its beautiful, it makes me giddy, its exciting...

I have been given life...And I have been given freedom...

However, freedom is in iself, bondage...

I am constrained, I am restrained... Yet, I am free.

I am forced to look past myself to others, I have been placed in a tight situation such that ones folly affects me deeply...

I have been intertwined with other people and its such a deep connection that it becomes burdensome when I cannot live my life the way I want it to be...

That is my life... I have received it...

Along with this life, I have received a heavy weight...

Its called CONSCIENCE...

Its like a rash in the most uncomfortable of places...

Its a shadow that lurks...presenting itself when you least wanna hear from it...

Conscience has a face... Conscience is me...

Conscience is a mean b***h; she never hides her feelings and is not one to sugarcoat or feel empty remorse...

Conscience is... as real as reality goes.

Conscience is plain,she's a predator...

Listen to her and you'll find peace; ignore her and she'll prick you to death...Literally.

Conscience... is... my... pain...

A combination of both my life and conscience make up my glory...

My glory is satisfaction, My glory is a thumbs up for a job well done...

My glory is looking back on my pain and my life and giving myself a pat on the back...

My glory is contentment...

My glory is my pain and my pain is my life...

They are intertwined and interwoven... they are not to be separated...

They make up the trinity that is called...

ME!!!

SEX!!! and sexuality.

I want to have MAD, CRAZY, mind blowing, earth shattering, orgasmic, heaven-sending sex...

I kinda prefer girl-on-girl action...

Two random statements that state the difference between sex and sexuality to me.

I'm not tryna make this into one gender, women liberation type thing, I just wanna talk about sex...

Why sex? you might ask, why NOT sex? I ask in return.

Imagine you standing in the midst of a crowd, you and your friend, talking and chatting, loud music, people minding their various businesses and just when you are about to say either of the two above statements, it goes quiet and BAM!!!

Everyone hears and they begin throwing daggers in guise of looks your way...

Some are even downright disgusted, while some are gradually creating a distance.

The men give you appraising looks and almost bring out their checkbooks to write an agreed sum depending on how long the night is gonna be...

I'm not attacking the men here, I wanna address the women.

Could it be that they have NEVER HAD SEX?

Or worse, they've never had an ORGASM???

Shhhhhhh!!! thats not even real.. Women don't orgasm; thats why we prefer 'FOREPLAY'.

If you still find yourself living in that address, WAKE UP!!! Smell the coffee!!! Walk around and see that the world has actually moved on while you're still wrapped up in your self-made cocoon.

Gone are the days when women would lie on their backs and the men do the jobs while you make all the fake noises and keep praying in your crazy minds "Dear God, let him come NOW!!!"

Statistics have shown that more than half of women actually go through life having sex and yet never EXPERIENCING it.

Oh yeah! It is an experience indeed. What? you've never had sex that drained you off your bodily fluids? Or you lay back for five minutes cos you're sure your feet won't hold you?

Or you scream till you're hoarse and get to biting the pillow?

Am I wild? or Freaky?

Have you even had a hickey? No, I'm not talking rough sex or bondage and whips. If you swing that way, all well and good.

Sex is an experience, regardless if you are gay or straight..

As a matter of fact, its a tad selfish. Everyone has a goal- SATISFACTION.

The world has changed, you see your friend looking healthy and happy and glowing and you wonder...

Sex has a lot to do with it. Don't believe me? Google it... Go on, type 'the benefits of sex'.

All I'm trying to say is that we need to move away from the notion that women are not supposed to enjoy sex; we need to wash our minds and change the mindset that sex is overrated.

We need to understand the fact that sex is a big deal and its not only for procreation.

Its been widely said that every guy wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed... I would give that statement more thought if I were you.

NO, this post wasn't brought about by crazy, orgasmic and mind-blowing sex...

Ladies... BE BOLD>>>

TIME

The essence of time is unknown

it is hidden from puppets, who, being  subject to their masters ministrations,

undecidedly follow through.

The essence of time is unknown!

The futility of time is unknown!

The cycle of time is unknown!

But the importance of time is known, you think.

Then comes the question,

why time? a thing unseen, yet so very powerful,

like the breath of the wind, gentle, yet, persuasive,

it compels us to do its bidding.

like a brief but lingering kiss, it moves us.

why time? an immaterial thing that leaves us panting like dogs awaiting a meal.

unfortunately, as futile as it seems,

the race is already won before it began,

the story ends before it even begins.

Essence, is but in its true self, Essence

Time, is but in its true self, Time

and puppets, are in their true selves, puppets

Who, subject to their maters ministrations,

undecidedly follow through.

A NOT TOO DISTANT FUTURE.

Most times when I think about my life, I do not see it as it is;
I see my life as I want it to be: almost perfect, almost fairy-tale like and definitely happy.
Then I am harshly brought back to reality.
The beautiful thing about my life is the fact that I do not need it to be perfect or or even fanciful...
I do not need my life to be a function of what other people define as good or glamorous...
All I need my life to be is one that is suitable and comfortable for me.

Perfection, though we strive for it is a pipe dream, something we have made up in our minds and something we spend our whole lives chasing after.
My life, the way I see it, should encompass everything I want it to be; if I choose to live my life as a hermit, I should be permitted to do so; just as long as it makes me happy.

Happines is relative, I believe. Trying to define it just waters down the whole essence. Happiness should be just the way it is: inanimate, abstract and glorious. It is said that most people go through life without encountering true happiness.

I try my hardest to look t the bright side of things. sometimes it is utterly impossible to do so and other times, that is all I am. People always try to attach happines to events and places and things....
I think happiness is created by a willful choice.

I have lived my life and I am still living my life with the sole aim of creating memories that would last. Not everything can be happy or pleasing, but I sure as hell would try my hardest to make most of them the way I want.

I do not believe that hapiness lies in the future, nor do I believe it is found in the past. It lies in whatever use you make of the present. I see my future as bright and colourful... full of light, smiles and sounds of joy;
I see my future with lovely music and the smell of success wafting around my senses; I see my future enconmpassed with the gentle embrace of love and joy; I see my future built on all the wonderful things my mind can ever dare to conceive.

However, I do not see my future ten years or twenty years from now; Who said that the future needs to be something unknown? Whoever said that the future needs to be so far away?

Yes, I know that it is something I cannot touch or see immediately, but I will bloody well start living that future that I imagine for myself... I can as well start enjoying the wonderful things that the future seems to keep away from my grasps.

My future is not a dream and its not far away, my future is NOW.

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!

I wake up sometimes and all I wanna do is run around naked, with my hair scattered, screaming at the top of my lungs " I AM FREEEEEE"!!!!.

But I can't because in reality, I am not. and the sad thing is the chains that so intricately bind me are woven so deep in the fabric of my life. Certainly, I cannot do the above because I would walk around with a huge chain on my neck bearing the inscription "CERTIFIED INSANE PERSON; A THREAT TO SOCIETY AND SELF."

Mine is a confused state of bondage because I have been given the blessing or curse, (however you wanna look at it), called "FREEWILL". It seems rather contradictory, really, when you look at it, I am free, I am not in prison neither am I a slave; I do not have to answer to certain things and i do not have to succumb to ideals if I have no care for them. However, those are not the ties that bind; I am talking about those inanimate things that more or less, dictate to us, how we should live our lives. and oh yes, you are part of us...

Lets take a look shall we? 

You wake up in the morning, say around 5:30 a.m, because you've got work to go to; you could easily stay at home and not work, you might add, but then you will lose your job and you can't afford to lose your job because that very job helps pay the bills.

Talking bout the bills, the rent is unpaid, electricity has been cut off, water is a no-show, estate management fee, plumbing needs to be fixed, gas needs to be refilled, phone needs to be recharged... should I go on?

Next, you decide to go to work, not anticipating the annoying people you will definitely see; those who have made it their life's duty to cause you pain and make your life an eternal hell. Somehow, you manage to take all that in and the next set of challenges brushes you off your feet, you've gotta face family issues, friendship issues, relationship issues and of course, the draining exercise of battling with your conscience...

To do or not to do?, Should I or should I not?, Is this good? No way, its bad, but it's not really bad, Can I do it? What will be the outcome if i do? But I'm not going all the way so it can't be that bad... And you go ahead and do it anyways. Next thing is you find yourself in a church and the preacher is preaching on salvation and the very topic you just finished acting out in real life. You immediately get a mental picture of yourself in flames and the monster in red with a pitchfork, opening his mouth and breathing fire, and you cower and break out in cold sweat.....

You eventually go home at the end of the day, tired and bent outta shape and you recap all the events of the day, heave a heavy sigh and fall asleep only to wake up the next day and continue with the same routine.... sometimes, lesser issues and other days mega- issues.

All in all, it is plain to see that this thing called "Freewill" is the slave master and we are the slaves and that is the fate we have all been resigned to. *sigh*

Marie.

MY KISS

MY KISS MEANS A LOT OF THINGS:

IT MEANS I LOVE YOU;

IT MEANS I CARE ABOUT YOU;

IT MEANS YOU MAKE ME HAPPY;

IT MEANS YOU ARE MY WORLD;

MY KISS CAN ALSO MEAN:

I ADORE YOU;

YOU'RE MY FRIEND;

I MISS YOU;

I'M GLAD TO HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE;

SOMETIMES IT MAY MEAN:

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU;

I'M UNHAPPY;

I JUST WANNA HOLD YOU;

I'M SCARED;

OTHER TIMES, MY KISS MEANS:

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE I CAN DO;

I'M SORRY IT HAS TO BE THIS WAY;

I WON'T WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER.

UNLIKE OTHERS, MY KISS IS MORE THAN A MERE MEETING OF TWO SETS OF LIPS;

IT IS NOT JUST ANOTHER FORM OF ENDEARMENT;

WITH EACH KISS, A MESSAGE IS PASSED. THINGS I CANNOT FIND THE WORDS TO SAY ARE INTIMATED IN MY KISS.

MY KISS IS VERY DEEP AND MEANINGFUL, FILLED WITH SWEET NECTAR OF THE FLOWERS AND BRIMMING WITH THE DELICACIES OF THE GODS...

MY KISS IS A MIRROR OF MY HEART; 

IT SAYS WHATEVER MY HEART TELLS IT TO SAY;

FRIENDSHIPS HAVE BEEN MADE BY A KISS, LOVER'S HAVE BEEN DENIED BY THAT SAME KISS...

BUT ONE THING MY KISS WON'T DO, 

IS TO BETRAY A HEART THAT'S TRUE..

nature!!!!!

Most times when I look out at night, my gaze wonders far into the skyline;

I begin to appreciate the beauty that comes before my eyes.

True beauty for me, does not lie in the things we make, but rather in the things that we do not make.

Someone once told me that all things were created beautiful and I the time, I didn't agree.

Permit me to say now that, I think he was right. Indeed all things were made beautiful; it just depends on who's looking and the manner in which you gaze. 

I once took a stroll with a friend one night and he pointed out something to me; from our vantage point, the moon stood right in the middle of two palm trees and I thought to myself, "that has to be the most beautiful sight ever". As I grow older each day, I find that I have come to appreciate every little thing that comes my way. 

Taking a stroll each night intensifies my desire to find the essence of beauty and I have come to the conclusion that the best exemplifier of this is Nature. Have you ever wondered why the clouds are formed the way they are? Every angle forms something different; the moonlight sending soft shadows across the sky and the stars , adding detail to the impression.

I watched a movie and I learnt that no matter how big the moon might seem, because of the distance, it is the same size of your thumb. yes, I tried it out and it is true... All you have to do is close one eye and raise your thumb in the direction of the moon... I love to feel the soft breeze blowing and tingling my senses, the smell of the rain before it comes, the heat of the sun across my face, the wash of the waves on my feet... everything so pure, so ethereal...so surreal.

Nature has this calming effect on the soul, it gently takes over your senses and gives you clarity.

All the elements of nature coming together to form a great, encompassing caress that gently nudges you to that place where dreams come alive and reality seems to vanish...

ALTER EGO

I am not a fetish person, neither do I believe in the fates or mysterious signs or reading the clouds and all of that. I think it is overrated. However, I read them because I find them... interesting, to say the least.
Everyone has a part they cover up, the part that shows who they really are, when they are not under the scrutiny of the society and they have uncovered themselves from the facade they present to the outside world. This other persona has been called all sorts of names; most of which are unfair, if I may say.

We live in a world where we have been taught to hide our animalistic tendencies; with good reason too, as we cannot be running on pure emotions and passions. So we have this thing, this umbrella that has set out for us, that which is considered "appropriate" and "acceptable". As a result of this, we are presented with an "ideal" way of living, everything is peaceful and everything is "normal", there seems to be no confusion as everything is laid out in black and white.

The problem lies when a situation presents itself and those uncultured feelings that have been suppressed all along decide to surface and when they do, we find it embarrassing, sometimes uncivilized and in extreme cases, horrible and revolting. I see the reason why we are told to put a leash on these things and I agree with them to an extent; but my question is: Who set this rules and regulations that we live by? a lot of things are under the term "society", Who or What is this "Society", are they humans? are they gods? do they have special powers? are they themselves normal? What is even "Normal"? the questions are many...

And thats where the English and semantics come in, you hear some terms like "relative", "personal", some say its "intuitive", others shrug and say" who cares"?. It is easy to say "who cares", but it stops becoming funny when you hear of murderers and rapists, thieves and sex offenders, raving lunatics and those that are termed"evil".

So we all have this other person, the one that we are ashamed of showing in public, the one we have hidden, the one whose voice plays inside our heads, the one we struggle with everyday.. We have this one who is crying out, the one who tells us to do things that we consider wrong, the one whom we try to shut out...
I fall under the zodiac sign known as Gemini, we represent duality, two extremes... sometimes when I read about these things, I marvel because of the striking similarities I see in my own person. This duality, I believe is manifest in our personalities.

I have been taught to be polite, to be courteous, to say words like "excuse me", "I'm sorry", "pardon me", "thank you" when I really want to say words like "go to hell", "who cares"?, and other words which I will not write here. I have learnt to smile when I really want to yell my head off, I have learnt not to pick my nose, not to talk  at the dinner table... I have been conditioned to be "ladylike" in my dealings, to sit with my legs closed and to do things that "real ladies"do. Sometimes, I hate it and other times, I accept it.

Then there are those times, when I shrug off the burden of all that and enjoy the very presence of me..., I unleash and do the things that I have always wanted to do and I feel... free. There is this rush of orgasmic pleasure that unveils itself and ecstasy is released... So what does that make me, the fact that I'm doing these things which are frowned upon? What is worse, that I am doing them or I  actually ENJOYING doing them?

I am no psychologist and I have no paper that proves I have made a world-changing theory, but I think if we all can just maintain a balance between these two personalities, it will be OK... How long do you wanna suppress the fact that you are a shoplifter when your public image is that of a shrewd business man, or the fact that you are sleeping with your neighbor's son when you are the upstanding governor's wife. Am I condoning it?, No, Am I in support? No, I am just saying that you get to know yourself and the things you can handle. You can lie to everyone but you cannot lie to yourself; and if for any reason you feel you cannot let it loose, then by all means don't. All I ask is do not be judgmental when you see other people indulging because given the chance, you will do the exact same thing in varying degrees, the only difference will be whether you are caught or not...

THIS....... THING.........

I'm here, the start of a new day...
Rolling off my bed this morning, I had no inkling of what the day would hold,
If I were to judge from the night before, I would say my day would probably be really good and filled with lots of fun,
After all, me and my girlfriends are going to the movies.
However, I should have known that something would happen which would eventually turn my day around.
For one, I decided to choose an all black attire; it never occurred to me at the time but black was exactly how my mood stayed through out the day..
I showered, and though I decided to put some make up on, it still didn't cover up for the fact that my face had some serious bags..
Stepping out in to the dreadful cold, I begin to walk down to my estate gate, shivering as I walk... it has never been this cold.
I get to the office, start my day, and everything begins to go downhill...
First, I am hustled by an overbearing boss, my tummy beings to get upset and I am hit with this wave of nausea that it takes everything I've got not to run to the bathroom.
Still, I maintain my jovial nature, the boss is a perpetual pain so its nothing new.
I am still feeling very nauseated and the hunger comes, not a very good combination.

In a space of five minutes, everything changes; I am overwhelmed with this mood I call "B.L.A.C.K".
Nothing seems to work, I have got a serious frown on my face, I give in to the slightest confrontation...
Black is not just a state of mind, it is an overpowering element that controls.
I have learnt with time to contain it and most times, I succeed but there are some days when it is at its peak.
Days like today and it comes with so much negativity that the whole atmosphere is charged with pessimism and unconstructiveness.

And I try, I try my hardest to fight this feeling that has engulfed me; but I can't..
I begin to think of the things that make me happy; I begin to make frantic calls to people that can make me smile.
All to no avail... I become frustrated; I listen to my music which is a sure way of making me feel better but I toss my ear piece aside and the anger grows...
 Food... Aha!!! That should do it but surprisingly, I do not have appetite, my taste buds are down and the bitterness is feeding on my insides...
This has to be the worst B.L.A.C.K mood, a situation where none of the things that gladden me works.
It is the mother of all Blackness.

So here I am, a last desperate attempt to shake of this feeling;
I turn to writing and hopefully, by the end of this piece, I will feel the blackness softly seeping out.


I have reached the last paragraph of this piece and still, no effect...

THE END OF A BEGINNING

It began, just like every other one,
Two lost souls searching for one another;
The moment they meet, something explodes and they unite,
Two different people, from two different parts of the world, with nothing in common, deciding to meet to start something.
It begins, the fairytale romance, the stolen kisses and the whispered promises,
It begins and blossoms...
But this one was different...
Oh yes, it started out in an amazing way,
But I was taken to the future and caught a glimpse of it a few months down the line;
And what I saw.......
I saw no reason to continue, I saw no reason for us to keep hurting each other;
A few months down the line; I saw the ultimate betrayal.

But how do you tell someone that you yearn for, someone who has genuine feelings, someone who has woven some intricate threads of desire and need;
How do you tell that person that you have have refused to go on?
How do you tell them that its a futile journey?
How do you tell that one that it is not going to work out before it has even started.

So this one begins... it begins full of hope, full of promise and full of pain...
It begins and each day brings it closer to the end.
It is indeed frustrating, this abortion of hopes and happiness..
But no matter how hard one tries, no matter how much one puts in effort, no matter how much devotion and love is pumped in to it...
This one is predestined to fall to pieces, it has been predetermined to fail, the fates have prophesied doom...
And poof... the dream is gone.

THE REASON I WRITE...

Writing to me is not a function of artistic talent,
Though I must agree that there has to be some form of artistry in a piece...
I do not write to be noticed as someone with skill,
I do not write because I want people to label me a "writer";
I do not write because I think that I have something very important to share...
I do not even write because I want to be recognized or be acclaimed;
I am no poet, I am no artist, neither am I a writer.
I am just someone who has a lot inside and needs to find a release outside.
I am someone who is affected by moods and when the different moods come,
they press down on me so hard that I find solace in letting everything out.
I found my solace, I found my place of quiet and rest, I found my place of purity,
The English Language has termed the action "writing" and those who do this are called "writers".

So I am a writer.... and as a result, I write;
but what do I write? what are my motives for writing? are there any set boundaries for writing?
Of course there are;
However, I see writing in a different light. Writing is passionate, Writing speaks,
Writing screams, Writing yells, Writing whispers, Writing, sings, Writing dances, Writing breathes, Writing does a lot of other things.
To me, Writing is life, Writing has a soul, Writing feels pain, joy, sadness... you name it.
Writing is alive...
Writing is all these things and more because it employs two immutable and powerful elements:
The Power of Imagination and The Power of Words.

When you delve into the World of Writing, you become unlimited;
Everything is before you, a vast space of ideas and concepts and memories, both created and those yet unknown;
Writing gives you power, power to create, power to erase, power to build, power to delegate, power to choose... there are no limitations whatsoever.

So I write... I write what I feel, I write what I know, I write the impossible, I write through my senses, I write through another's point of view, I write.....
I write because whatever comes out is a piece of me, I write because its a means of escape sometimes, I write because I feel this certain strong compulsion, I write because I can create a world of my own and fill it with the beautiful things I want..
I write because in this world, there are no clouds of judgement, no moral bane of society to uphold...
I write because it flows from deep inside of me, its something that I cannot deny..
I may not have the rhyming words, or a rehearsed speech or a dictated opinion...

All I know is that whenever I get my hands to a keyboard or a pen to a paper, or any surface...
Something flows and it doesn't stop flowing till I have emptied every last word.
I may not be happy afterwards, or the tears may still flow or the hunger still burning fierce..
But there's one constant thing....
SATISFACTION!!!
And in the end, that is all there is...

I write because... it is the best way I know how to express.

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME...... WAY BACK WHEN...

1... I have an acute fear of failure that's why I try as much as possible to pursue goals very aggressively.


2... I love my family. my mum is literally my reason for breathin, my sis- cldnt have asked for a better blend, my bro-very crazy but I love you sha n Mr. Mensah- what can I say?

3... Sometimes I feel I'm schizophrenic. Scary right? i hold conversations with myself.

4... I have bin in TEN relationships but only two have bin serious i.e 4 years ago n presently, have had a thousand n one flings n sex????????????? don't bother.


5... I have fallen in love just ONCE n I think I'm on my way there again.

6... Despite my degree in English,Ii find it hard talking bout my feelings. The words won't come out no matter how hard I try.

7... Underneath all the facade, I'm still a baby. I cry at the slightest things so don't make me cry.


8... There are just two sets of people in my life- those that matter and those that don't. Find where you fall .

9...I'm a person of extremes, extremely nice one minute and extremely callous the next. There's no mid-point with me

10... I give people long ropes to hang themselves then I react and when I do.... so don't think I'm a fool, I'm just giving you time to hang yourself

11... We've all done things we're not proud of but the difference between me and you? I don't run away, I face them because they make me who I am

12... People say I'm complicated and unpredictable, I say I'm normal because there are two sides to a person, while you are busy hiding yours, I let mine show. Eliminates rude shocks that way

13... I can do anything for my friends. You are the bomb!!!!!!!!!

14... I'm really good at giving advice but do I take my own advice? Go figure!!!!!!!

15... I am confident, HELL YES, but most times I'm all jelly inside

16... Once I've made up my mind to do something, consider it done.

17... I loooooove dancing; have amazing energy, addicted to my music and ea rpiece.

18... My phone rings EVERYDAY. I don't think I've ever heard my phone NOT ring. So I'm obsessed SUE ME.

19... I smile a lot but I've got problems of my own. REALLY

20... Two things I don't joke with- MY FOOD AND MY SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21...I can be crazy, like really, really, crazy. It'll break my mum's heart to hear some of the things I've done.

22... I'm a very passionate person, you should have me on your team#

23... I rarely get angry but when I do...MAJOR EXPLOSION!!!!!!!! little things get to me... then I cry afterwards.

24... I'm not perfect, Yes I do wrong; No I ain't good enough but HE still loves me.I'M A SUCKER for GOD.

25... I'm a citizen of the world. My great grand dad was a Brazilian, me great mum was from Cotonou, me Grandma married a Ghanaian and me Dad went to Delta to get hitched. Once again GO FIGURE!!!!!!!






So this was me spilling out my guts for the whole world to see. As with time, some things have changed, some things are the same and some things.... well, they are better left unsaid.






Marie.

THANK YOU FOR SAYING NO!!!

The very day you said "NO" to me; I felt as if the whole world had turned its back on me;

The very day you said "NO" to me; you rejected me;

The very day you said "NO" to me"; I wept my eyeballs out;

The very day you said "NO" to me; it was a direct slap on my face;

The very day you said "NO" to me; you insulted my person;

And the very day you said "no" to me; you gave me a blessing.

                                Because...

The very day you said "NO" to me; I saw myself in a different light;

The very day you said "NO" to me; I found solace in my own strength;

The very day you said "NO" to me; I embraced my self worth;

The very day you said "NO" to me; you opened up the door for others to come in and appreciate me;

The very day you said "NO" to me; I learned to love myself more;

And the very day you said "NO" to me; I found a greater purpose in life.

So Thank You For Saying "NO" To Me.

MY DREAM: A FAIRYTALE ROMANCE.

Every night when I'm on my bed, I close my eyes and think about what to dream of.
Its my nightly tonic and it works like a charm.
Most nights, it is the same dream: my perfect romance.
I always have a hard time deciding how I will meet him, the one who takes over my dreams and captures my reality.
Some things are certain though, he is handsome, rich, nice and sweeps me entirely off my feet.
Last night, he came again in my dreams;
This time I meet him at the salon...

We are all making our hair, I and some other ladies in the salon;
As usual, there is this general discussion going on and everyone is putting their opinions out there.
There's this young lady who just got engaged and we are all ogling  at her ring and telling her how lucky she is to have a man who is ready to make that huge commitment and all when he walks in...

He is clad in a tee shirt and jeans and he looks unbelievably handsome... and lost.
I do not know what exactly it is about him. Could be his presence, the very air around him;
Could be his beautiful, well toned body, could be the fact that when he smiles, his cheeks dimple or his deep voice, articulating every word spoken.

He is built like a Greek god, a modern day Adonis but he doesn't come looking for me.
He's looking for the young lady that just got engaged, he's probably her fiancé.
He kisses her cheek and she smiles up at him lovingly, oh yes, he's taken alright.
Then I wonder, how can the star of my own dream be someone else's hero?

He leaves and we all pounce on her expecting answers to our numerous questions, each female secretly admiring. Or is it envy? a little of both.
Then she bursts out laughing and says he's not her fiancé, he's her brother.
(My dream is back on track and running on rails).

Fast forward to the middle scene where the romance is blossoming at an alarming rate;
He knows just what to do, when I'm with him, I am all there is.
I do not share my man with any one, he has time for me, he is created specially to cater to me;
Showers me with love, affection and devotion. I love him for the little things he does that lift my spirit.
I love him and he is the center of my world, matter of fact, he is my world, wrapped, packaged and delivered to me.

When we are together, I am complete, I find true happiness in his arms and his words are golden to me,
He upholds me with love, surrounds me with care, he envelopes me with his warmth and he protects me like a shield and in his embrace, I feel his need radiate.

He is my man, my lover, my brother,  my soul mate,
He is the very definition of pure masculinity,
He completes me and adores me,
Most of all, he is the love of my life, he is the one that takes me in my stupidity, he pardons my irrationality,
He is thankful for my love and devotion and he appreciates my care and affection.
He is egotistical and proud but he never fails to apologize when he's hurt me,
He is sweet and sophisticated, he knows my every move and action,
He accepts me for who I am and does not play on my weakness.
Hell, he is my weakness, he is the core of my being.

He is so imperfect and so full of blemish,
Yet he is mine, all mine...
He is my dream in bodily form...
And he has eyes for only me and me alone.

ITS COMPLICATED

So here I am thinking this young lady I once knew;
So very beautiful, so very patient and so very nice;
If you had asked her to describe herself I'm certain she wouldn't use those words.

She was friendly as well, to a fault, some might even add;
Always had a smile on her face and her small shoulders were always ready to bear someone's head.
She could listen also; whenever you had troubles, she would listen and she always knew the right words to say to calm you down.

I saw her at a distance, coming down the lane; strolling with her hair in the wind and her eardrums blocked with a set of earphones.
As she walked, she unconsciously moved to the rhythm that was invisible to everyone else.
She smiles and waves to a passer by across the street; it seems she's popular.

Now, I am not a stalker but she fascinates me and I begin to wait for her everyday;
I watch her as she comes, sometimes in a cab, sometimes, someone drops her off, and sometimes, she strolls.
On this particular day, she walks down the street, wearing blue; but there's something in her smile that is not true.
She is sad, I can feel it. Yes, she gives a smile to people passing and stops to hug and greet them; she even manages to listen to someone's problems and yet, no one even notices that she is troubled. No one apart from me.

She stops and sits on a bench in the park; listening to her music and lost in her own world;
I approach just in time to see hear wipe a lonely tear drop and that little action compels me to action and I walk up to her.
I ask her if she would like to open up to a total stranger, a stranger she's never going to see again, I do not ask her for her name and she doesn't ask for mine.
She looks up at me and smiles, a beautiful smile that lights up her whole face and at the same time, illuminates me. Little wonder she is liked by all.
She speaks to me, not at me or through me but TO me;
She tells me she's lonely and hurting, she is craving something that no one has been able to give her.

And she's tired of trying, tired of hoping, tired of seeing potential in dead things;
She wants to be happy, she wants to talk and someone will listen, she wants to cry and know that there is someone who will wipe her tears; she wants to be loved.
She has so much to give but she can't find the person to give it to.

She's scared and scarred. She's been hurt, she's been depressed and she has this yearning, this insatiable hunger for someone who sees her as she really is: a woman with so much to share.
She talks and I listen and I am drawn to her.
She listens to music because that is the only thing that gives her comfort, no matter how flitting.
She craves something deep and lasting so she engages in giving a part of herself out hoping that someday, someone would give back to her.

She thanks me for listening and smiles at me, she still doesn't ask for my name and I do not ask for hers.
All she asks me is if I would be here, at this very same spot tomorrow,
And for me, she has just asked the most important question in the world.
I will definitely be there waiting for her, tomorrow and any other day she needs me.
She pats my hand and she's gone, leaving me with the delicate trail of her musky scent.

For once in my life, I feel fulfilled.
I feel I have given her something she will not forget.
I let her set the pace and I will follow, where ever she may lead.

CURTAIN CALL 2

My name is Tamar; I was born a beautiful, screaming, little bundle;
My name is Tamar, I was born full of hope and promises yet unfulfilled;
My name is Tamar; I was born into a loving family filled with warmth and brightness;
My name is Tamar; I was born into comfort, affluence and wealth;
My name is Tamar... and I was born... with purpose.

I would really have loved to tell you about the moments after I was born; the next days, the next weeks, the next months or the next years, but I cannot because I simply have no clue whatsoever. I would have to be some type of paranormal child to be able to do that; you know, like something out of the "X-FILES".

I remember growing up lacking nothing, I was given anything and everything I wanted.
I remember being called beautiful and cute,
I remember being called intelligent and smart and full of promise;
and I also remember being called proud, spoilt and eventually, snobbish.
The above is all very true, I might add. The thing is, at some point I had to stop listening to and bearing the names other people had called me. I decided to start giving myself some names as well.

Top of that list were: nice, good looking, deep, thoughtful and most of all, mature.
It is a major SIN to think that maturity comes only with age; I learnt this as I learnt so many other things;
The most consistent word that follows maturity is RESPONSIBILITY, and most of the time, that is accompanied by PAIN.

Most of the time, we want to believe that our lives are controlled by other people when the actual truth is the control comes in phases: the first and probably the strongest phase is the "Parental Control Phase".
"Peer Control Phase", "Societal Control Phase", and the list is endless. However, the three most important phases to me are: the "Parental Control Phase", the "You Phase" and the "God Control Phase".

There comes a time when we have got to brace up and let go of the chords that bind; because overtime, they become shackles. Where we fall short is not being able to decipher when to let go and move on and as a result, we find ourselves heavy with unnecessary baggage.

Is this the story of what happened to me? no, its not. I just felt like sharing what I've learnt over the course of time.

Anyways, I've exhausted my quota of wisdom for the day, I need to go back and replenish.

*wink* Marie.

MUCH ADO BOUT NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.

So its the year Two Thousand and Eleven.... such a mouthful.
2011, its the start of the new year; looking back at last year, I can say for certain that some wonderful things happened to me.
For one, I found a way to channel all my creative pieces and this blog was birthed; I moved into my own place( which really deserved the celebration), I lost a boyfriend (really, really hurt), I found a partner.... got a job.....
Yeah. last year was pretty eventful

So... Happy New Year to you all.

 It is the new year and of course, we've got sooo many people "claiming" to stick to some "new set of rules to live by" which I think is so cliche, by the way.
I'm of the opinion that people who do not keep to what they purpose to do are not worth....
Harsh words right? I fall in to that category but I differ from them for the simple reason that I don't propose things that I know I cannot handle.
No, I'm not saying you should not challenge yourself or push yourself or anything of the sort; NO.
I am saying, of what use is a resolution when it is not acted upon? the fact that I have decided to do something, or the fact that I have made up my mind to stop doing some things doesn't mean that I have done them... no?
My point of view though.

In truth, the fact that I wanna quit smoking( I do not smoke, by the way), or I wanna be more focused or I wanna be more money conscious or more God conscious doesn't mean that I am gonna do it anyways.

I think the correct thing should be: I RESOLVE to do..... and at the end of the year or the particular time frame alloted, I DID.

A resolution is not a resolution simply because I made up my mind to do it, it becomes complete when I actually DO it.

A word: let us stop making new "resolutions" year after year and concentrate on getting them done; thereby giving room for more. Our strength does not lie in simply making up our minds, our strength or weakness, as the case maybe, lies in our ability to carry them through.

lets get moving people..... its a New Year.