A BROKEN SPIRIT...

Mama always said that marriage was the hardest thing anyone could embark on...

I used to think she was exaggerating; after all, she and papa were very happy;

And papa loved her.

She also used to say that habits got worse in marriage...

I never understood what she was talking about.

I wrote it off as musings of a troubled old mind.

But I never forgot one morning, when she came to dress me up for school...

She had puffy, red eyes... She had been crying...

And I had asked her innocently, why?

She looked at me and smiled wistfully...

And She whispered; there are some things that you cannot hope for.

and when you realise that, all that's left for you to do is cry...

As usual, I didn't understand.

After school that day, I came home to announce that I wished to be like her;

Her reaction both surprised and bothered me...

She instantly grabbed me by the arms and shook me quite violently while muttering;

You should never wish that!!!, You should never wish that!!!.

Crying, I ran to my room. Mama had hurt me.

But more than physical hurt, She hurt me emotionally.

I was 5 and I didn't understand...

Some twenty something years after, I am beginning to see clearly and understand well what Mama meant...

I'm beginning to see too clearly what my mother saw...

I am married now with my own little girl...

When I was to introduce him to my family; Mama with her ailing voice had said to me sadly, 

He's just like your father.

And I had giggled excitedly, Yes Mama, He's just like Pops.

It is true, I married a man just like my father.

And everyday, I wake up to a new found hatred for Him.

Does my husband love me? Oh Yes he does;

Of that I have no doubt.

But He loves me the wrong way...

The man I fell in love with, the rock I had grown to depend on, the man who I felt completed me...

That man is gone... Sometimes, I wonder if he was ever there at all.

How can somebody change so drastically?

Or were there tell-tale signs?

Was I blind to the truth?

Did I choose to ignore what I knew deep down?

Or like my Mother, was I resigned to the excuse of "love"?.

Of course I knew, I knew who He was before I married Him...

He had shown me on numerous occasions his true person.

But much more appealing to me were his passionate pleas of love.

He would hurt me and with that same passion, love me.

Ours was a destructive relationship. 

Oh yes, my husband loves me; I see it in the way he looks at me...

As if I'm non-existent.

Oh yes, my husband loves me; I see it in the way he cringes when I touch him...

As if I carry pure poison in my fingertips.

Oh yes, my husband loves me; I see it in the way he so easily puts me aside...

As if he cannot be bothered by anything I remotely have to say.

Today is our wedding anniversary...

I have donned on my best...

Made what used to be his favorite meal...

I hear him enter the driveway, hear the key in the lock...

I smell his perfume even before he steps in; close my eyes and breathe deeply,

Savouring the scent of my husband that time will afford me.

That is the closest I would ever come to touching him.

He looks at the table; shakes his head and walks upstairs...

He'd rather read the paper than eat the food his wife has made...

I follow him upstairs, in to our bedroom,

I want to touch him so bad, to kiss him and have him hold me...

To hear him whisper in my ears how sorry he is and how much he loves me...

To have him smile at me... to have him even look at me...

But I hold back and ask quietly, 

Does She love you like I do?

He replies by turning off his bedside lamp and easily falls asleep.

We both sleep in the same bed, but it would have made no difference if I was sleeping on a cold street.

I say this, there are worse things a man can do than physically abuse a woman.

At least, those scars would heal.

There's that by the way, the physical abuse... but there is that which won't ever heal.

So I'm left here, 

Silently dreading the day my little girl would look up innocently at me...

 And tell me that she wants to be like me...

.... MISTY DREAMS...

He comes to me... every day... every night;

He assails my senses; fills my very core with the essence of His presence...

And like the faithful subject that I am, I accept Him.

Every visit is an experience... and I am left with juxtaposed feelings of satisfaction and urgent need...

He is real to me, He encapsulates the utmost strength of desire.

I want Him, I need Him, I crave Him...

I have fallen, fallen so deep into this abyss...

I am on the brink of sanity...

He drives me to peaks unknown, territories uncharted...

Leads me to places that can only be described as Fantastical...

This yearning, this passion, these flames that refuse to be satiated.

They burn.. they burn deep, they burn fierce... they burn...

Deep licking flames, being fanned to life by the simplest touch...

He encompasses me, very pungent, very thick...

Trapped in His desire and being freed in my want...

With Him is life... with Him is love... with Him is my destiny...

I know Him, yet I have never met Him...

So familiar yet so strange...

I know His every outline... every contour, every silhouette...

I know Him.

The way His mouth bends in a sweet smile,

The way He breaths, His very heart beat.

I have kissed His lips, tasted His love from the very fount...

His lips like sweet drops of honey... His desire is the antidote to my poison.

Every feeling, every word, every touch I know...

I have Him right where I want Him to be.

I have imagined it all.

So, He comes to me... every day... every night

and like the willing subject that I am, 

I answer His every call, attend to His every need...

Feed His every desire, fan His every flame...

Because...

In His desire, I find my desire...

In His passion, I find my passion...

In His need, I find my need...

And in His essence, I find... My Being... 

THE BETTER THE "ENGINE"... THE BETTER THE "PERFORMANCE"...

I heard the phrase from my friend...

"The better the engine, The better the performance".

We were talking about cars then but my mind decided to take a wild spin and I pictured that same phrase in a whole different light.

The better the Engine, The better the Performance...

Hmmm, is that really true?

I started pondering, wondering and thinking...

I really couldn't make up my mind as it were.

So I decided to research...

It seemed like a good enough cause , finding out what "drives" people...

Needless to say, if you follow my thought process you would know that we have left the realm of cars a long time ago. 

So yes, lets talk about "Engines" shall we?

An "Engine" to me is a tool... a very powerful tool...

It is the basis of "Performance"...

It is a... Power House.

It is neither defined by shape, nor size, nor colour...

It is the very essence of "Contentment" and the core of "Satisfaction".

That is an Engine to me. 

"Performance" is a by-product of the kinda "Engine" you carry.

Unfortunately, we have been made to think that very large "shells" house huge engines.

Sadly, that's not always the case.

And we have also been made to believe that...

The 'bigger' the engine, the better the performance...

Also, a huge error.

The big question is: What kind of Engine should you look for?

I set out on this my "unusual" mission...

I wanted to get to the bottom of this mystery that seemed to pervade everyone.

Sent out a couple of "questionnaires", did some "surveys" and at some point, became "a lab rat" myself.

And I came to this conclusion: The appeal of Engines are highly dependent on...

  Personal Taste

Experience

Sentiments

And lastly, the size of your "Bonnet".

It seemed interesting to me to find out that most people did not seem to understand that "Bonnet" size is highly important. 

For Optimal Performance, "Fitting" is the name of the game.

A balloon would burst when it can no longer "accommodate" the amount of air it is receiving.

In the same manner, a "Bonnet" has its limits; it is not a "One Size Fits All" affair.

If you put in an engine that is way bigger than your bonnet, it becomes ill fitted

Characterised by "creaks' and "cracks", pain and complaints... 

Performance is down played because it simply doesn't fit.

And vice versa. 

I wish there was a way to view an "Engine" before "Purchase", in a manner of speaking;

Life would be so much easier. 

But its not. How do you know if the "Engine" fits?

That's where Experience comes in...

What Experience does is that it allows for a "Test Run" of the engine.

This "Test Run" is more like a prototype of the actual engine...

Thereby giving you a "virtual" experience of what you're about to purchase...

And also giving you a chance to decide whether it fulfils some or all of the requirements that you desire.

So what happens when you've got the right engine that fits perfectly in to the bonnet but performance is below average?

I believe this is the hole that personal taste fills; you know what you expect and you make ways to ensure that its up and running.

It could be that there's inadequate oiling of the parts or there's a lot of sludge somewhere...

Do what you have to do to get it working.

The truth is that you cannot "couple" an Engine, its a total package already.

And every Engine comes with its performance level. 

Our duty as "bonnets" is to devise a way to make these Engines run to the best of their abilities.

*****CIAO*****

along came " PULLY"

The first time I saw her,  I remember it so vividly...

She walked in, wearing a blue long sleeved shirt and black pants.

The first thing that struck me about her was how tall she was...

Or rather, how light skinned she was...

Or rather, how confident she was...

I cannot really say but I know now that it really isn't confidence that drives her to do what she does.

She's just plain crazy.

Her name is Pully; one of the nicest people I have ever met.

I never even thought we would get along; 

I figured since we were the only females at the place where we found ourselves to work, that our relationship would be a surface, working, out-of-necessity kinda relationship.

Its amazing how the things you never even envision turn out to be the things that sum up your life.

This little note is centuries over due, but....

So Pully, this is a little token of... what really?

A little token for You being my guide in a foreign place...

A place where I did not know anyone...

A place that would have seemed lifeless and dull if You didn't bring your jive and spunk to spice it up.

This is a little token for You introducing me to some things which I'm not privy to share here..

A little token for making me a part of Your life for a whole year; for teaching me things; 

For being the voice of reason behind my every action.

This is a little token for not judging me at times when I went off the bend.

For fun and laughter and good times...

For people met, for places that we graced with our presence,

For the good times and for the bad ( if ever we had any)...

This is my little way of saying that I am indeed glad that I met you.

This is my little way of saying...

Thank You.

WHAT I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT YOU...

Its amazing what we see... as different people with different perspectives, we see only the things we have been conditioned to see.

You come from a place where You have been made to see Yourself, not as who You are;

but rather, who 'They' want You to be.

And as a resut of this, You think that You have got to change who You are to suit other's opinons of You.

But lemme ask you this; How many people do You think You can please?

The simple fact is: We are never satisfied; we always want more and often times, demand more from the people we care about.

The important thing is how You see Yourself.

But before You do that, let us take a walk through my eyes;

and make You see for Yourself, how I see You.

I see you as STRONG

                                           

You are a woman of amazing strength,

Able to stand up to what you fear and not cower in the face of opposition.

You put your feelings aside and take care of others.

It takes strength to know your mistakes and learn from them.

A quick reminder: Your tears are not a sign of weakness.

You are a pillar of strenth...

A fount where others come to draw from.

I see You as CHEERFUL and BRIGHT

Your gait, Your bounce, Your vitality and the very life You bring is nothing that can be compared with;

You exude such exuberance that it lights up a room.

You open your mouth and every sadness goes away.

The quality of life that You have is unfathomable.

It is something that cannot be learnt, neither can it be transferred.

It is what stands you out from the crowd...

A quick reminder: Don't ever trade this amazing quality for anything.

I see you as DEEP

 

The vastness of your intelligence is one that cannot be matched.

When You speak, you amaze me.

Its a very great wonder where these things come from; 

Your determination and Your steel resolve...

Your wealth of knowledge mixed with Your simplicity is unnerving...

I don't need to tell You how beautiful You are, or how lovely You are...

I do not need to remind You of how happy You make others...

Neither do I need to make You see how wonderful You truly are.

You are indeed a gem...

But all that; all these awesome things I have outlined wouldn't mean a thing if You did not believe them about Yourself.

So the next time You are forced to think of Yourself as something other than all these...

My shoes are always ready, You can take a walk in them and see Yourself through my eyes...

And see Yourself...

The way You truly are.

****** This was written as a dedication to a certain somebody, who holds a certain place in my heart and has affected me in certain ways that cannot be matched************